Wonder Woman Wednesdays: Wonder Woman #2, part 2 of 4

Wonder Woman Wednesdays

Hitler makes his first appearance in Wonder Woman #2. We must be in the time where Hitler was making his rounds so every hero could punch him in the face. I’m greatly disappointed to report that Wonder Woman does not punch Hitler.

Instead, Hitler eats a rug. Yes, eats a rug. It seems that he’s under Mars’ control, and without Mars’ influence onto him, he flounders around in paranoia and second-guesses his generals. In a way, Marston writes a very mentally ill Hitler who’s a slave to Mars compared to a psychopath. I think we’re supposedly to find him comedic and pathetic, but this isn’t my type of humor.

Hitler chews on his rug
Bad dog. Bad dog.

Anyway, together Wonder Woman and Steve spy on a top-level Nazi meeting. Hitler and the other Nazis plot to steal the US Treasury’s gold, a plot suggested by Mars’ agent Greed. Mars has sent Greed to Earth in order to capture Wonder Woman to bring her back to Mars, the planet. Steve and Wonder Woman hide in the 13th half-floor, spying from above. I’m sure there’s a Being John Malkovich joke in there somewhere.

Wonder Woman and Steve spy on the big Nazi meeting
Yes, they bypassed the tunnel to become Malkovich. Wonder Woman's pretty sure she'll live forever anyway.

Unfortunately, for both of them, a bomb goes off and everyone scatters. Hitler and the generals run off, leaving Wonder Woman and Steve in a middle of a pile of rubble. But they go back to America, in the invisible jet, with the knowledge that the Nazis plan to steal America gold. Wonder Woman also notes that the astral form of Greed was at the meeting, whispering to the Nazis. You see, Steve and her can see astral forms since their vision has been opened due to their mission in astral bodies.

Once back in the US, Diana reads in the newspaper that Holliday College is closing. The school owes $50,000, which the college treasurer has embezzled and run off with. Diana changes into her Wonder Woman costume to go help Etta come up with a solution. In the narration, Marston informs us that this Holliday College plot is tied directly into the Hitler stealing US gold one. Thanks for the spoilers!

Anyway, Wonder Woman comes up with a wonderful money-making idea to save Holliday College: a fundraiser. A fundraiser where the girls from Holliday College and Wonder Woman play baseball against the team which wins the World Series. That’s right, professional baseball players against the girls from Holliday College. Even with Wonder Woman, there’s still no “I” in team.

In the DC-universe, the World Series is between the Pups and the Sockems. Wonder Woman approaches Pups’ Ball Club President Jake Dough about the charity game during the last World Series game. Greed is right behind Dough’s shoulder, telling him that he should put on the game and then take all the money for himself. Dough agrees to have the Pups play Holliday College if they win.

But things aren’t looking good for the Pups. The Pups are down one, and it’s time for the final batter of the game. Dough’s fretting and making deals with Greed when Wonder Woman steps in and says she’ll win the game for the Pups if Dough agrees.

That’s right, no one blinks an eye when Wonder Woman walks onto the field, picks up a bat, and hits it out of the park to win the World Series. I suppose no one said comic books were supposed to be believable.

Wonder Woman wins the World Series.
That's right. Our Wonder Woman wins the World Series. I bet they'd just argue about chromosomes and if she was oxygen-doping nowadays.

Then it’s the Holliday College girls vs the Pups, World Series champions thanks to Wonder Woman.

Pro ballers against the girls from Holliday College
Holliday College famous for its professional baseball training, along with bdsm-structured sorority houses.

Wonder Woman pitches really quickly, striking out most of the Pups. And Etta complains about having to run around the bases and thinks another girl should do it for her. (At least, she didn’t have her bon-bons with her.)

Etta runs to first base.
I'm just going to pretend Etta really hates baseball. (Even if she was the one listening to the World Series on the radio, which gave Wonder Woman this idea to start with.)

When Wonder Woman goes up to bat, the bat explodes upon impact with the ball. Wonder Woman flies up in the air and lands across the field. Then a “hand from nowhere” (the same one which gave her the bat) gives her a glass of some brown liquid. She immediately passes out. Etta takes her to see the Holliday College nurse.

Wonder Woman's bat explodes
Even explosions throw off Wonder Woman. Take note, villains.

Turns out the entire thing was an evil Nazi plot. Because we didn’t see that coming. The Nazis tie up the nurse and drag Wonder Woman off. They wrap her in asbestos, put her in a mold, and pour molten gold over her body, all but her head. They find Steve and plan to do the same for him. Then they’re going to transport all the American gold, Wonder Woman, and Steve to Mars.

But once the Nazis leave Wonder Woman alone, she regains her Amazonian strength and busts her gold covering like a vase shattering on the floor. Before going to rescue Steve. I hope Steve wasn’t breathing that asbestos.

Wonder Woman breaks the gold.
Wonder Woman busts through the gold like that one time my brother dropped a log on my mom's 10-gallon fish tank.

Together, Wonder Woman and Etta capture the true crook, Prexy Deacon, the president of Holliday College. Greed convinced him to steal his own school’s money, kill and frame the treasurer, and help the Nazi’s steal American gold. Prexy goes to jail, and Greed goes back to Mars, defeated. But with a warning that Mars will send Deception and Conquest.

Wonder Woman lassos and Etta tackles Prexy Deacon
Etta should really change her sport from baseball to American football. I could believe her beating pro-footballers.

But Holliday College will still be up and running with $102,000 from beating a World Series professional baseball team.

Etta gets a big check for Holliday College
Golden baseball gloves for everyone!

Support this blog. Wonder Woman won the World Series for freedom and affiliate programs in Wonder Woman Archives #02: Wonder Woman Archives.

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